Whether you are the griever, or trying to assist the griever in working through grief, an awareness of the customs and traditions used by other cultures immediately after death and through the grieving process can be helpful.  This manual is about helping you experience your grief and/or the grief of others without judgment.  Confusion or judgment can often surface at school, in the work place, hospitals, and nursing homes or between friends when time is not taken to understand the cultural and traditional differences that exist between us.  We will not pretend here to give you every cultural tradition on the planet.  That would take a volume of encyclopedias.  We are attempting to show that the rituals surrounding death are deeply rooted in religious, nationality, and even neighborhood differences. 

     For example, in East Africa men cry openly at a funeral, while in West Africa men gather to drink and get drunk in order to avoid crying so they don’t lose their manhood.  Hinduism dictates it is shameful to cry for the dead.  Ultimately, all traditions are designed to do two things.  First, they show respect for the dead.  Second, they comfort the living. 

     Jewish tradition dictates that the body is never left alone from death to burial and that burial take place immediately or as soon as possible after death.  There are never open caskets.  The surviving family is never expected to do anything (work, cook, make phone calls) for three days after death, as they are in shock.  After the burial, their custom known as “sit Shiva” is held at a family member’s house for a certain number of days after the funeral (old custom is seven days but that is not strictly adhered to in our western culture).  During sit Shiva, anyone who knew the deceased or the family is invited or expected to come by the house and pay their respects to the survivors by telling the story of their relationship or friendship. 

     Hindus, who believe birth and death are two sides of life’s cosmic cycle, cremate their dead for a swifter, more complete release of the soul.  No embalming is allowed and organs are never removed.  Only men are allowed at the cremation. In contrast, in the Buddhist tradition, after one to three days of people gathering with a lot of drinking and food, friends and family meet at the crematorium for the actual cremation, again with food and libations.  After cremation, the bones are subsequently viewed where any non-body items are separated and removed from the ashes in front of everyone.  Ceremoniously, the immediate family use chop sticks to place the larger bones in the urn, then everyone else in attendance places a little of what’s left into the urn until done.

     Again, while the Jewish tradition allows no open caskets, the Lokata Indians, as well as many other cultures, have a three-day celebration with the body in view where people offer tributes and memories of the deceased with a lot of food, music and prayer.  Visitors of the Lakota deceased are invited to leave small mementos with the dead body to take with them on their journey.  One of the ladies of our Bible class died, and as a token of love for her husband, we presented him with a beautiful, gold-edged Bible at the funeral.  We were all aghast that he put it in her casket just before they closed it.  However, when later asked, he said he knew Beverly would want to take it with her on her final journey. The time prescribed for mourning, culturally speaking, is all over the map!  Grieving is such a personal thing that one should never “schedule” an end date for grieving.  One day you will just know it is time to resume activity in the world of the living.  It is quite clear that the many varieties of customary outward expressions of grief are all meant to bring closure, eventually, to the grieving process for everyone affected by the loss. In some Asian countries (China, Hong Kong and Cambodia), if you’re in mourning, men and woman wear all black with hoods attached or all white with black arm bands for 30 days.  For 12 months following the death, shrines are built with decorations, burning candles and food for the deceased to take with them.  They also have annual celebration ceremonies forever on the date of death. 

     In West African tradition, the bereaved are encouraged to talk with others to express their sorrow, and everything is focused on them for 40 days.  Then the tribal elders bathe the bereaved in the local river, which symbolizes the cleansing away of the sorrow and grief, and the bereaved are then expected to return to the community. 

     In the Philippines, a celebration is held on the 40^th day following death as they believe that is when the deceased has gone to heaven.  They then have a one-year anniversary celebration of the date of death intended for final closure.   In Lakota tradition on the first year anniversary of death, the family prepares for the release of the spirit of the deceased.  Everyone attends a large feast, and a donation of gifts to the needy finalizes the ceremony.  In East Africa after 12 months, grievers stop wearing black and can now let the hair return to their heads, as grieving men and women alike shave their heads for one year after the death of their loved one.  They will also have a large-scale celebration on the first year death anniversary as a final end to mourning.  Again, in Lakota tradition, shaking the hands of the survivors for many years after their loss is a silent acknowledgement that grief can be a long-term issue. Jewish mourners light a 24-hour candle on death anniversaries for years.  However, Hinduism prescribes that any prolonged grieving will hold the deceased to the earthly consciousness, preventing a final heavenly transition.  

     It is clear that there is no right or wrong way to bury, celebrate or mourn our loved ones.  What is even clearer is that some ritual is necessary to allow the natural rhythm of grieving to occur for the human race.  One thing research has shown is that grief recovery is definitely enhanced by family or tribal dynamics.  Most cultures have strict silent customs on supporting the bereaved through family channels and would never accept discussing their grief in a support group setting.  If you are separated from your family or do not have a group of friends who you could identify as extended family, it is important you find a “support group” family to help you through your grief.  Even your “work family” can be helpful in this regard.  Support groups can be a wonderful, safe experience for healing when your family is not available to you either physically, mentally or spiritually.  Be sure to find one that can relate to the traditions and customs of grief that you are comfortable observing.