There are too many adults walking around today still suffering from unresolved grief as a result of a loss they experienced as a child. A woman tells of losing the horse she had for five years, when she was 12 years old, to a sudden heart attack. She had won many shows with this horse and simply adored him. She was the one to find him in the barn after he died. After he was buried, two days later, her parents told her it was time to forget about her horse. She not only lacked the personal and emotional skills to deal with her grief at the age of 12, she wasn’t allowed to express her feeling of loss. She therefore stuffed the grief somewhere in her soul where it would hurt the least. She was 50 years old when she told me this story and cried while relating it as if it happened yesterday.

When he was five, a 32-year old man today tells of his three-year old brother being hit by a car. His father in fact, backed up over him by mistake. Today the adult is an alcoholic, excessively angry, and because of ADD (some say shock-related) can never finish a project or stay employed. After the accident, his mother, sensitive to the grief her child was experiencing, begged the father to let her get counseling for her son. The father rejected the idea (probably out of his own guilt) stating that his son “just doesn’t need help”.

We were doing a lesson one Sunday at church on bullies when Alexander, one of my 12 year old students, raised his hand when asked if there were any bullies in the room. I went around the room asking the rest of the class what they think makes a bully a bully. Eighty percent of them said something bad happened to them when they were younger. Alexander then told us that he and his mother found his 24 year old brother murdered in their house three years ago. So here we have an innocent child who has become a bully as a means to protect his heart from any future pain. When asked if he wanted us to pray for him he got excited. The one thing he wanted relief from was the recurring dream of discovering his brother in the house. He has had the same dream, every night for three years since the murder.

The development of grief resolution skills in children, when a loss occurs, is imperative to insure that our children grow up to be healthy adults. Whether it’s the loss of a hamster or a horse, a death or a divorce, children MUST be encouraged and assisted to deal with their loss on the intellectual, emotional and soul levels appropriate for their age, until there is some visible relief from the shock and grief they have experienced. Know that recurring dreams are a big issue for children. As they begin their transformation in grief recovery, their dark dreams will begin to transform as well!

If you see yourself here as an adult, with the broken heart of the little boy or little girl inside of you, use the workbook to go through the exercises that call to you. Be that five-year old or 12-year old that was never taken on the journey of grief recovery for whatever reason. It’s never too late to be set free from all of that pain and to find the message for your life that loss can bring.

A Letter to Your Sibling

When a brother or sister dies, a part of your past, present and future goes with them. Special occasions are never quite the same. You have many secrets yet to share.

Write a letter to the brother or sister that has passed. Start by recalling several fond memories that only the two of you shared. Write to them as if they live in the next state and you want to give them a warm, cozy about your childhood together. If your sibling’s passing occurred when you were both young tell them about a time when you did something and wished they were there to enjoy it with, you.

If you were ever jealous of your brother or sister, identify the jealousy and tell them how your have come to realize how silly that was. Ask them to laugh with you too.

Tell them how you grieved for them in your own way. Describe something you did to honor their life that only they would understand. Share some new secrets with them that only they would want to hear.

If something or someone irritated or upset you at their funeral, tell them as if they were sitting next to you. If you had new burdens added to your life after they died, describe them here. Then, tell them you know it wasn’t their fault that any of this happened.

Lastly, tell them that no one has ever been able to fill their place in your heart and life. Tell them one life lesson you learned from them either, alive or post mortem, that makes your life special today. Let them know that knowing them really did make a difference in your life!