It’s August 3, 2007 and time for…
Dale Irvin’s Friday Funnies
August? Already? Where has the summer gone? But enough questions for now, let’s dive right into the meat of this week’s top stories. Pass the gravy.
THE WEEK IN REVIEW
J Made From 100% Ling Ling Doo Doo – I enjoy Chinese food, and I’m a big fan of fireworks, but this week, the Chinese unveiled their greatest export ever...panda poop. Pandas in America are found only in a few select zoos, but in China, they have so many pandas that they have a panda waste problem. To fix the problem, the Chendu Giant Panda Breeding Base came up with a method that turns panda poop into an odor-free material they use to make picture frames, bookmarks, and statues of animals. This is a great gift idea for people you don’t really like. Give them the gift of panda poop with a card reading, “Thinking of you.”
J Animal Stories - #1 In a story that strikes very close to home, a Downers Grove, IL resident was caught red handed with a snake in his pants. He shoplifted the snake from the Chicago Reptile House, also known as City Hall, (rim shot) and stuffed a foot-long Brazilian rainbow boa constrictor in his pocket. He claims he did it just so people would ask him “Is that a snake in your pocket or are you glad to see me?” and he could say, “It’s a snake.” One of Downers Grove’s finest. #2 In Wellington, New Zealand, a lamb was born this week with seven legs. Since leg of lamb is a popular dish in New Zealand, this lamb is a bonanza. At least he will be if anybody can ever catch him. (another rim shot). Thank you, I’m here all week.
J 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover But 237 Reasons To Have Sex – A paper released from the University of Texas, listed 237 reasons to have sex. At least they listed the 237 reasons they received from 400 U.T. students they interviewed. The reasons given run from the sublime “I was in love” to the ridiculous, “I wanted to punish myself.” After reading the list of all 237 responses, I was impressed by the variety of reasons the kids gave for having sex but you have to remember that this survey was done in Texas. If the survey were conducted someplace like Kentucky, the reasons to have sex might be different. “I already paid for it.”; “I was at a family reunion”; and “I didn’t think anybody else was looking.”
J Give Lindsay Lohan Some Of This Too – Hollywood, CA has a pigeon problem. A woman known only as the Bird Lady dumps 25-pound bags of bird seed around the city to feed over 5,000 pigeons. The city wants to get rid of the pigeons because they are dirty and “the poop problem has become unmanageable”, so they decided to give the birds birth control pills. This sounds like a backward solution to me. I would have sent the Bird Lady packing and the pigeons would have followed her to El Segundo. Then, I would have called the Chinese and found out how to make souvenirs out of pigeon poop.