It has been a long cold week in Chicago. As the Bears were losing the Super Bowl in the rain, we here at home were bringing our brass monkeys indoors. The average temperature for the last week has been 4 degrees and the wind chill factor has been close to Absolute Zero; the temperature at which premium vodka freezes. To stay warm, I have been burning the newspaper sports pages. Here are the stories from the rest of the newspaper.

THE WEEK IN REVIEW
This Is Not What I Meant By Dutch Treat – Amsterdam, Netherlands has always been a fun place, with hookers on every corner and "coffee shops" that make Starbucks look like juice bars, but I think they have finally gone too far. A Dutch gym has introduced Naked Sunday where exercise aficionados can pump iron in the buff. This idea can only be described with the word, "eeewwww." There is not enough marijuana in the entire country to make the image of sweaty naked people on stationary bikes seem appealing.

What Would Jed Clampett Do? – In Cambridge, Minnesota, Kenneth England, a 74- year-old farmer, chased down a thief trying to steal gasoline from his neighbor. He held him at gunpoint until police arrived at which time he was arrested...the farmer, not the burglar! England was charged with second-degree assault for pointing a gun at the thief. The punk-kid, guilty-ass, criminal escaped with a charge of misdemeanor theft. Let this be a lesson to all you homeowners out there. If somebody is trying to steal your gasoline, do not point a gun at them. Throw lit matches at them instead.

In Washington D.C., where crime happens twice every second, a robbery suspect was nabbed by a senior citizen armed with cookware. Gary Peterson, 67, whacked Darnell Gant over the head with a copper-bottomed frying pan and held him until police arrived. Peterson is not charged with any crime, which proves that the pan is mightier than the sword.

Houston, We Have Really Got A Problem –Lisa Nowak is an astronaut who went up to the space station last July. This week she went astro-nuts when she stole a car, strapped on some diapers, put on a wig, and armed herself with a BB gun, pepper spray, and a steel meat tenderizer, and went looking for the woman she accused of stealing her man. This is just plain weird. I can understand the diapers because who wants to pee themselves during the commission of a felony, but a meat tenderizer? This is one small step for a woman; one giant leap for the insanity defense.

Policeman, Heal Thyself – In Kewaskum, WI – a town whose letters can be rearranged to spell Weak Musk – Police Chief Richard Knoebel drove past a stopped school bus, a definite moving violation. So what did he do? He immediately wrote himself a ticket for $235 and docked his license four points. Good for him, but if he had a better lawyer he could have gotten out of it.

The Friday Funnies are brought to you each week by Dale Irvin, the Professional Summarizer. If you know anybody who could use a good laugh on Friday, send their e-mail address to FridayFunnies@daleirvin.com or visit www.daleirvin.com and press the buttons.

Only 41 days until Spring – Whatever happened to global warming? – A meat tenderizer?

Dale Irvin
PO BOX 302
Downers Grove, IL 60515
dale@daleirvin.com

Ph 630.852.7695
800.951.7321

http://www.daleirvin.com/