There is unhealthy grief. Unhealthy grief is loss not addressed by choice. Think of unhealthy grief in terms of food. French fries although tasty are unhealthy for our body. Eating french fries once a month probably will not kill you nor cause you to gain weight. A regular daily diet of french fries eventually will make you obese and clog your arteries (usually irreversible event) and ultimately cause death. Therefore, most of us make a choice to avoid regular doses of french fries. Likewise we must consciously choose to resolve all of our grief if we ever hope to heal our pain and live life to its fullest.

The most common form of unhealthy grief is denying that the loss ever took place. This is usually a result of not wanting to admit that there has been an event in our lives that brought on change or sadness. Emotionally ignoring loss can have long-term effects. For example, when my mother-in-law died, my husband refused to acknowledge her passing by not having even the smallest memorial service for her. There was no family gathering with whom to share her story,, no community expression of love. Instead he went to work the next day and everyday thereafter and we never talked about it again. It was most confusing to me, because he adored his mother, as did I. When we deny our loss, the customary, even ritualistic if you will, manner of beginning the grieving process is thwarted. This is experiencing unhealthy grief. Three months after her passing, my husband was bedridden for six months with a virus. Unhealthy grief manifests into unhealthy affects on our every day lives.

Another form of unhealthy grief is stuffing the grief – that is to never talk about the loss of your loved one with anyone, thinking they don’t care or probably don’t want to hear it. Many people are grieving your loss with you. I was surprised to get a call from someone in my industry whom I never met, 60 days after my husband passed. After expressing her condolences, she told me she had been a patient of my husband and further related how much she had missed him when he retired nine years earlier. She too was feeling grief over his death. She told me her story of becoming a widow at twenty-six and we cried together over the phone. That was a healing moment for me. It is healing to share your grief.

Hanging on to guilt is another unhealthy form of grief. Guilt is a choice. No one can make you feel guilty. Guilt will lead to self-punishment. Self-punishment is denying basic needs like food, laughter, entertainment, friendship etc. Guilt makes it impossible to ever “let go” of any event surrounding your loss. Our bodies and souls were not designed to hang on to any guilt, short- or long-term.

Expressing greed over the personal belongings and assets of the deceased will keep you in unhealthy grief hell forever. Expect that others will want a piece of your loved one to hold onto. We all know stories of families who no longer speak to each other after the post-mortem distribution of assets. Regardless of what you did or didn’t get, you must let go of any inequities of asset distribution as soon as possible. One friend of mine, who I believe was really cheated by her aunt, out of a big portion of her grandmother’s estate, still grieves the heart-felt loss of her grandmother after almost ten years. It’s as if everything still happened yesterday. Any keepsake she comes across which belonged to her grandmother brings up this awful experience of being cheated and for her very little healing has taken place over the loss of her Grandmother. By the way, if you are the one hoarding or not sharing, you too are in unhealthy grief. The only cure is to share and let go.

Most unhealthy grief is centered in a refusal to let go of something. Affirming you cannot live without them over and over is denial, and a form of self-punishment. Not letting go of the “things” or money that you didn’t get, the life you used to have, or hanging onto guilt will keep you in unhealthy grief. Healthy grieving is a choice and takes work to move through. Use the workbook to help you move on and recover from unhealthy grief."macomb county"